When my boy’s were very small I just knew there was something different about my youngest Twin. He was a very difficult baby. He would scream 24/7 and only myself or my mum could settle and feed him. He reached his milestones very late. He would pull away when you touched him, he would lift his legs up rather than pressing down to stand and He would also self harm ( bang his head on the floors or walls and get enjoyment out of it.
I started researching sensory processing disorder and Autism and teaching myself ways to assist my baby so that he could reach milestones. Everything that i was reading indicated that my Baby may be on the Autism spectrum and have sensory processing disorder (which go hand in hand)
I fought with Drs and our health Nurses about my concerns for 12 months until someone FINALLY LISTENED. We eventually were assessed by an Occupational therapist and a Speech therapist who agreed there were some red flags with him; I was relieved, someone was listening and maybe now my baby can get help and will be okay… I was okay with what the professionals told me as it was what I knew all along.
What I was not expecting was to be informed that my other Twin, my quiet and happy baby, the baby who slept through the night, reached his milestones before he was suppose to and loved his snuggles had major red flags and would also require an assessment too.
This broke me!
“Why me, why us & why them?” I thought!
I was in denial, but i knew I needed to put my pride aside and get help for both my boy’s, so i sucked it up and continued with getting formal diagnosis’ for both boy’s. While waiting for the formal support, I put in double the work into supporting not one child but two children (babies) so that they could catch up with their development but still hoping that it was only one Twin and not two…(selfish, I know)
We finally got our assesment date, march 3 and 4, i had folders for each child, with hand written notes by myself on the areas of concern, as well as all the reports from the OT and Speech therapist. 2 hours it took for each child to be assessed by two different specialists. We were told to wait outside While they discussed our children and then we were brought back in.
As we enter the room we were told “both your son’s have Autism spectrum disorder!” We were given forms and information packs and sent on our way.
It took me 12 months to go through the grieving process for my youngest twin before his diagnosis (yes you read that right, we are allowed to grieve the diagnosis of our children!) But this time we had to do it all over again for my eldest twin.
I needed to allow myself time to grieve their diagnosis’ mostly because the life I had planned out was never going to happen, my children would suffer in one way or another, they would be prone to bullying, we would never have a normal life.
(or so it felt back then)
So many emotions and thoughts went through my head.
However after a while I learnt that This is out of my control, I have to be strong and level headed and i needed to support my children the best way I could. My depression and anxiety was spiraling out of control fast, it was taking a toll on my relationships with my family. I felt lost, alone and ashamed for feeling the way i was towards my Son’s diagnosis.
So i started to talk with my own psychologist, who helped me through the whole grieving process and helped me to see things through a positive perspective rather than negative.
Now, I’m glad I took the time to address my emotions and deal with my thoughts without suppressing them because I now see that Autism is a gift even on our darkest days, I still try to find a positive in out situation.
So if you are new to the diagnosis or maybe you are not feeling quite yourself since the diagnosis, remember that it is okay to feel grief and it is okay to feel sorrow! It just means you are human!!
Don’t be afraid to seek help for yourself, speak to someone and even join a support group, take the time to process the new diagnosis and be kind to yourself!
Remember, your child is still the same person they were before their diagnosis. You just now have a better understanding as to what is going on in their little worlds.
Our Autism Journey 